EP client Jan Burke and Manager of Sweatshop Bristol takes us on her amusing travels of running in aid of Marie Curie Cancer Cancer – if you anjoy it – and would like to support her worthwhile cause please visit http://www.justgiving.com/jansbigbirthdaycelebration  – thank you 🙂

 

Midget Jones’ Running Diary

 

6th February

8st 4lb. Runs done: 1 (v.g.), calories burned 1625, calories consumed 3700.Am lacking in motivation. Will start visualisation techniques and picture myself as a highly-trained athlete. Dazzer, the new man at work, keeps going on about the Launceston Half Marathon and telling me how good it is, how wonderful the views are, etc. Ignoring him as he says it’s hilly.

 

12th May
8st 6lbs. Runs done: 0 (V. bad),runs visualised 53 (excellent)calories consumed: 6257, calories burned: 320, alcohol drunk; 6 glasses red wine (found a bottle when tidying kitchen)

Next week I will be running a half marathon, a hill run, a multi-terrain, a beach run and a marathon. Had better go out for a training run. No – the schedules say I should be tapering. Must do what schedules say as I am a proper athlete. Will eat some chocolate while I read about how to taper properly.

 

18th – 23rd May

8st 13lbs. Runs run: 5 (v. gd), full Scottish breakfasts; 6;bowls pieces of chocolate cake: 1; calories consumed 5,796,578; calories burned 1,579, 452.

I am running well on lower mileage training. I will continue this programme when I get back home.

 

3rd June

9st 5lbs. Runs done 0 (v bad); calories consumed 9352 (v bad), calories burned 31(v bad), race wins visualised 37 (excellent)

Dazzer reminding me about the Launceston Half. Has told me what the course is like (climbs at miles 3, 5, 6, 12 and 13, but flat, downhill or undulating for the rest). Can’t be too bad. Posted entry form. Visualise myself flying effortlessly up hills, flowing down them as a river falls to the sea, the wind in my hair, the sun shining warmly, every muscle and sinew honed and toned to perfection, every ounce of energy resulting in the course record being broken for the first time by an FV60. Wonderful! I am getting much better at this. Will recover with a small glass of red wine (good for cholesterol level) and a small piece of chocolate cake.

 

4th June

9st 8lbs (not good). Alcohol drunk 1 bottle; chocolate cakes eaten 1; improvement in tidiness of kitchen excellent; aspirins taken: unsure.

Have headache and feel slightly queasy.

 

 

17th June

9st 7lbs. (v gd) Runs done 3 (in three weeks); calories consumed 2,227,506; calories burned 2,227,505 (excellent! Dancing at my birthday party and Dazzer’s wedding burned off loads)

Dancing as cross-training seems good. Muscles not too tired. Will continue with this programme. Jude has said she might do LH with me. Not sure she means that. Think she might just mean she wants a lift.

 

4th July

9st 12lbs. Runs done 1 (v bad); runs visualised 97 (excellent! There is no doubt that I will win the race by a large time margin)

Perhaps should have tried a bit harder with the weight. Never mind, will not eat today so will be down to race weight of 8st 2lbs. Must pack for tomorrow. Will not need much as will wear running kit. Alarm set for 4.30am. Will have early night so can have plenty of sleep as am now a highly-trained athlete, a coiled spring, a gazelle, a cheetah who will run effortlessly along the gently undulating roads of Cornwall, chasing down my prey, picking off my quarry one at a time until there is none left and I will be the true victor of the race. Pack bag – sandals (in case toes sore), new running shoes (to show off), trousers, towel, T-shirt, wash-bag, hair gel, money, cards, sunscreen (can’t be too careful – course is exposed and it might be sunny), gloves (can’t be too careful – course is exposed and could get chilly), jacket (ditto), woolly hat (ditto), banana. Prepare bottle for Rego for after the race. They are important so will mix it in the morning. Shower. Will not need to dry hair as can do in the morning as will have plenty of time. Set alarm for 4.30.

 

5th July

4.30am. Bloody alarm clock.

 

4.50am. Bloody Dazzer.

 

4.59am. Bloody Jude. Will have to get up or she won’t have a lift. At least I am up before 5. Must remember Rego.

Breakfast, etc. I seem to have a wild overgrown Mohican hairstyle. Gel hair with L’Oreal Extra-firm Super Strong Hold. Think of Colin Firth as Mr Darcy. Hair now well-gelled into aforementioned style but sure it will settle down later.

 

5.59.30am Bloody Jude is here. It is very inconsiderate of her to be early when we arranged to set off at 6. She mentions flapjack and Thorntons mini-shortbreads so feel slightly more forgiving. Pile bags into car and set off.

 

6.10am. Have forgotten Rego. Months of careful training now wasted and hopes for being first FV60 to break course record have flown out of the window.

 

8.00am. Past Exeter. Decide we have enough time to get to Launceston by 10 so call into services for a leisurely coffee.

 

8.30am. Arrive Launceston and park.  Set off for start at leisure centre. Bag is rather heavy. Never mind, Leisure centre isn’t far away.

 

9.15am. Arrive leisure centre. Perhaps I didn’t need two pairs of shoes and the large tube of hair gel. Collect numbers. Jude offers to let me store flapjack and Thorntons mini shortbreads in my bag as she has only brought a small backpack. Very badly-organised of her, I think.

 

9.45am. See Frank John from running club, discuss transport, accommodation, swimming, etc. Dazzer not here as he isn’t feeling very well. Will send him good wishes on my way round the course. Various trips to various loos. Bags onto lorry. Can just lift mine high enough.

 

10.30am. Race starts. The training is paying off already. For the first mile I cruise steadily past runners as we head through Launceston then the road narrows and goes uphill. There is traffic and a car has to follow a woman walking up the hill. A man is following the car and I can’t get past. Still, I will use it as a recovery and fly past them all later.

Dazzer says the next six miles are “gently undulating” or “steady climb.” I am an athlete so can cope easily with these small obstacles, if indeed they are such. I will take them, literally, in my stride, which I must remember is as effortless as the leaping mountain goats bounding along precipitous slopes. Must also remember to admire the views so at the top of one of the undulations I look out to see rolling hills and lush fields.

 

11.46am Why is it that however far you climb in a race you never seem to have a downhill to compensate? Bloody hills, bloody hedges, bloody fields, bloody, bloody running. Up another hill (another fantastic view), past yet another cheerful encouraging marshal, up another f***ing hill to another wonderful view. Have been told that adrenaline makes you aggressive if not all used up by running. Starting to think that perhaps I might not break the course record.

 

12.13pm Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! At last a downhill stretch. I can hear footsteps behind me and getting closer. Mental note to self: this runner needs new shoes as sounds very flat-footed. He passes me. He is carrying a backpack, wearing chinos, a white polo shirt and wearing flip-flops. Flip-flops, FFS! I have been overtaken by a man carrying a backpack and wearing f***ing flip-flops. To crown it all he does not appear to be overpronating at all though have to admit that he gets away too fast for me to do an accurate gait analysis. Hah! See my chance. He can’t run uphill in flip-flops. Will try to catch him.  Pass him easily. Hah! Serves him right.

 

12.29pm  Flip-flop Man passes me again. I will wait like a panther and pounce when the moment is right. We are entering the town. The road starts to climb. I pass Flip-flop Man. He will not pass me again.

 

12.33pm F***. Flip-flop Man will not pass me again because the blasted road climbs and he will gently slither out of his flipping flops. It climbs through the outskirts of Launceston. F***. It turns a corner.

 

12.35pm Another bloody climb. F***, f***, f***ity f***. Is Launceston actually higher than Everest? How can the road only ever go up?

 

12.51pm Joy! At last some downhill.

 

12.52pm F***, f*** and double f***. More uphill.

 

1.00pm Onto the little path that climbs (well, what else would you expect) through the park. Go round the bend (literally) and then Oh joy! Oh bliss! Oh wonder of wonders! I run down (down! down!)  the slope towards the finish. More charging rhinoceros that graceful gazelle. Finish has disappeared. Bu**er. Lots of people cheering. I can see and hear Jude and John. Then glory be!  It’s a miracle! The finish is at the bottom of a hill!

 

1.02.25pm  Cross finish line, cheered by Dazzer’s parents. Curse their son for telling me about a course so hilly but have to admit that the views were worth the climbing. Collect medal (excellent), bunch of flowers, T-shirt, water, etc. Decline gels and voucher from well-known running store. Meet Jude and John, collect bag. Eat 1 Thorntons mini shortbread (v.g.). I have at least shown that I am a consistent athlete as my time of 2:25 is the same as four of the last five hilly half marathons I’ve done.

 

2.30pm Go to say goodbye to Cazzer and Dave Gee, Dazzer’s parents. Tell them it’s a fab race and it’s in diary for next year already. Give me a bottle of wine (v.g.). No room in bag so totter off uphill (then down) with bag, flowers and wine. Jude suggests I look like an alcoholic bag lady with a penchant for flowers.

 

3.00pm Leave Launceston.

 

3.15pm Leave Launceston. Why are there no signs to Exeter? Liskeard would have been a nice place to visit and Congdons Shop was interesting, if only for its apparent lack of shop and, possibly, Congdon. Jude and I not unduly worried as we have just run 13.1 miles (each) and have low blood sugar (why did I forget the Rego?) so find it all highly amusing though are a bit concerned that the area might be Cornwall’s version of the Bermuda Triangle.

 

4.00pm Leave Launceston. By a process of elimination find the right road.

 

7.00pm  Home. Eat, drink half bottle of wine, sleep. New training schedule starts tomorrow.

 

http://www.justgiving.com/jansbigbirthdaycelebration – please give generously :- ) thank you – next extract coming soon!